Galley Gourmet with Captain Chaos - Christmas with Chaos

Beach snowman
My distant family flew in from all points of the globe to help me eat and drink my way through the Christmas cheer that I had been buying in the last few weeks leading up to Christmas Day. I now know what women go through to get all the bargains. Being a chef I normally just lift my finger and my able assistant rings through to order the items on the menu.
This holiday period I had to do it all myself.
First, because half the family are Japanese, I wanted to show we had good wasabi in Australia. After a few emails to Shima sales I was able to get delivered by post some of the good stuff in the form of a pack which contained two fresh wasabi stems, 12 fresh leaves, 12 leaf stalks.
This went with the fresh raw pieces of Tasmanian salmon, tuna and local rock lobster meat to make sashimi. Added to this were a few bottles of local saki called Go-Shu Daiginjo which is served chilled.
A call to Cyril’s deli in the Haymarket acquired a free-range goose which I stuffed with force meats. A couple of local free-range ducks stuffed with chopped onion, apple and a dash of white wine, and a honey-cured leg of ham made up the main course. A potato salad, green salad and of course a Waldorf salad complemented the feast.
Then boiled Christmas pudding with King Island cream … and to finish, a wheel of stilton.
The day unfolded with the children up before dawn making more noise than a flock of lorikeets at feed time. I staggered into the kitchen and made coffee and started to get the food together. A few of the extended family wandered in and out to get something to drink. I had mixed a big jug of freshly squeezed orange juice and some sparkling white wine. The mixture went down so well I thought I might be eating alone!
It turned into a great day. The food was served and everyone got stuck in. Even though I had the fans going, eating and drinking all that rich food seemed to bring out the sweat. After helping the girls clean up, I found most of the men folk had disappeared for a siesta.
I grabbed a cold drink and headed under the house to find some peace and quiet. I had a nice spot on a mattress under an old upturned boat where I would be cool and out of sight. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep.
I came awake slowly. I could feel someone rubbing my side. The movement was so slow I kept my eyes closed. Who could it be?
Suddenly I felt a weight on my chest, my eyes flew open.
“Bloody hell!”
I was looking into the eyes of a huge snake, his head the size of a goose seemed to fill the space above my chest. I could now feel the length of him along my side and around my legs.
I was too scared to move. I knew it was a python so it wouldn’t poison me … but with a mouth that size he could give me a nasty kiss and my face was only inches away.
What can I do? I thought I’d wait it out. Then I remembered that snakes sometimes lie around for days.
Some nerve-wracking time later I realized he wasn’t really looking at me, but beyond me, I inched my head very slowly to look over my shoulder. A large bush rat was up against wall hypnotised.
SCCHHHHOOOKKKK!
The python’s head flew over mine followed with the first few coils. I tried to roll out but the snake with the rat in his mouth was now making threatening hisses at me, worried I wanted his rat, plus the remainder of his body was still wrapped around my legs.
CRRAASSSHH!
The boat flew off and the snake was on the move, heading for a quieter spot.
“Christ Chaos what are you doing under there? The kids have been looking for you everywhere. Are you all right?”
“No … but I’m definitely sober!!!”

Salad Waldorf

350g apples peeled and diced
350g celery peeled and diced
225g fresh walnuts peeled and halved
150ml mayonnaise
Place all ingredients in a salad bowl and toss gently (you could add some small crispy bacon pieces to taste).